


Then I Lost It All

by Jinxy_24



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-01
Updated: 2015-11-01
Packaged: 2018-04-29 10:10:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5123696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jinxy_24/pseuds/Jinxy_24
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone dies and my hope dies with them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Then I Lost It All

Everyone dies. Sooner or later, I will lose everyone dear to me. It started with my mother, followed by Armin, Mikasa and so many more. 

The people that I cherished most in my life and wanted to protect with everything within me are gone and so is my hope.  
I don't even understand what makes me keep fighting. What is there to win at this point? I guess I keep trying for humanity. For the humanity that fears and despises me, and secretly wishes I don't return from the next mission. 

So much has changed in such a short amount of time. Seeing so much death every single day changes a person in an irreversible way. My emotions are gone. All I feel now is this endless numbness that eats away at my insides and won't leave me alone for a second. 

Sleep is another thing that doesn't come as easy as it used to. Each time I close my eyes I see the smiling faces of my friends that will never look at me again. 

I miss Armin's support and ability to solve any problem placed in front of him. I miss Mikasa's love and overprotectiveness. I even miss Jean's biting comments. I miss the warmth of my mother's palms as they gently touch my face. I miss it all and I can never get any of it back. Each time one of my friends dies, I keep thinking that I have nothing left to lose, but reality always slaps me in the face with another death. As much as I want to grieve the death of the people that were once so close to me, I realize that it is impossible at this point. I have no more tears left to shed. There's nothing but the deep shadows of numbness inside of me. I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad, I don't even feel angry anymore. There's nothing left. And what do emotionless people do? They fuck.

And that's exactly where Levi comes in. There's no love making involved, no gentle touches, no soft kisses, no words of comfort. Nothing but the pure animalistic needs inside two empty shells of brilliant human beings. 

I come to his room late at night and leave right after we both satisfy our physical needs. There is no goodnight kisses, no cuddling, no confessions of love. 

And that's exactly how people like us cope with the loss of our feelings. There's nothing else left for is but screwing out each other's brains, and let me tell you, it's absolutely spectacular. There is something incomparable to the feeling of knowing that you don't have to hold back with the person you're with, because you really don't care. And to have the other person return the favour is even more freeing than killing the titan that killed your friend. 

Levi, just like me, has seen too much death and destruction to truly care about another person's feelings. Now don't get me wrong, we don't deliberately go out of our way to hurt each other, but if it does happen, we don't give it another thought. There are no apologies, no sorrows, no taking care of the wounds. 

When Levi and I started fucking, I didn't think we'd keep going at it for so long, but I think it lets us both release some of the emotions we don't let ourselves feel anymore. The numbness is replaced by the sexual need, and my thoughts are driven out by Levi's hot breath on my neck. 

I finally found something that helps me cope with this ridiculous image of reality and even though most people would agree that this relationship is dysfunctional, neither one of us gives a damn. Things like this seem so trivial in this world, because what is even mildly okay in this purgatory we live in?

I thought that I could get through this stupid war with this crutch. I thought something was finally going my way. What I didn't realize was that somewhere in the middle of this mess, I started feeling again. It was subtle and I didn't realize it at all. I didn't realize it until the fated day during which Levi lost his life on the battlefield, and an invisible barrier inside me broke. All of my emotions came flooding back at once and I broke down. 

It felt foreign at first, the strange liquid drops gliding down my heated cheeks, but the feeling soon became uncomfortably familiar as the memories of my mother's death blinded my vision. I suddenly felt all of the deaths I previously ignored at once, amplified by the knowledge that I was finally truly alone. 

And that's how I got to where I am now, a couple of moments after I saw Levi's body get crushed by the strong jaw of a titan, in my titan form ready to fight these monsters until there's nothing left of me. Because there is nothing worse than what I feel now. The biting coldness of loneliness and rage.


End file.
